2 years later…

So I’ve been on the world’s longest blog hiatus.

This was meant to be my secret online journal but I wonder if anyone I know has been on the blog. That would be kind of interesting.

So 2 years later…

Not alot has changed. Which is not only really disturbing, but it kind of saddens me. I thought I’d be in a MUCH better place.

Although I am almost done with grad school, I’d thought my social, financial, mental, and physical state would be much different.

SOCIAL
I’ve had this conversation with so many people–Boston isn’t the place to find a man who fits my preferences. I’m an ivy-league educated, masters degree-having, down to the earth kinda of girl. And frankly all the men I’ve dated or talked to have not be up to par. Not to mention going out in Boston is hazardous to the ego. I recently went to a bar/lounge a few weekends ago. Pretty diverse crowd, good music, I was feeling good and everyone looked to be having a good time. I’m dancing next to this one dude and as the confident person I am, just go up to him, attempt to dance with him and you know what he says to me? “I only like white girls” and walks away from me only to grind up behind some white girl and dance with her. WELL AINT THAT BOUT a BITCH! That hurt me so much. And i know not every black guy is like that, but seriously? SERIOUSLY? I don’t want to generalize, but that’s been my experience on many occasions when i go out. The black guys literally, turn away when they see a black girl approach them. So for all the guys that think women generalize too much, many men do the same when it comes to women. I’m a fun girl. I’m cool, and all of m exes will tell you that. I’m not crazy, I don’t key cars, or wild out in public. All i’m asking is for some respect, but now i’ve gotten to the point where i don’t want to ask black men ANYTHING at all.

FINANCIAL
Broke. Job pays me shit for what I do, and i need to win the lottery and start an entourage with my best friend.

MENTAL
I’ve gone through some  bouts of depression this year mainly due to the issues above and the next issue to follow. It’s hard being able to cope with all of this, and because i stress easily, it doesn’t make it any better. Slowly i’m starting to feel like myself again but I need to start doing some positive affirmations or something…or find someone to sex me down. I heard sex was a great coping mechanism. It’s been 7 months. #nuffsaid

PHYSICAL
Perhaps one of my biggest challenges to overcome. I’m not very vocal about my weight. Well I am in my head, but i hate talking about it to my sister, mom, friends, and frankly i try not to. it upsets me. And i know i’m throwing a pity party for myself but i just question how my weight got so out of hand. I’m OBESE (i dont think i’ve ever typed that before) and I need to do something about it because it’s affecting my healthy. Thankfully, i have no diseases or issues at all, but I don’t know what lies ahead. My attempts to go to the gym are hindered by my laziness, and then i beat myself up and mask it with food. Food is my friend and I don’t know how it got to this. I want to eat to live, not live to eat. My sisters have been losing weight and i’m so happy for them. But for every pound they lose, it’s more tears i cry, and more nights when i sneak food in the dark. I know i should talk to someone. I know i should because there’s alot of stuff going on my head. I need to find my motivation–even though looking in a mirror should be enough.

That’s also what is affecting other parts of my life. Guys dont want a fat chick. Going out sucks because I don’t feel sexy, and people pick up on that and i decline alot fo events which is hurting some of my friendships and networking opportunities. I need to turn my life around ASAP.

I want to change…

Because Barack said so. and because I want to be honest with myself. I’m not happy with my body. And no this isn’t one of those “i’m a skinny girl, who put on a few lbs and will have to hit the gym hard” stories. I need to lose this weight for my own health. I’m Fat. and I dont like it. And when you don’t like something you CHANGE it. I’m finding it hard to do that. i have no motivation, i hate the gym, but i know i need to drastically change. my mom used to tell me how disciplined i used to be. And i remember. I was much of a perfectionist. Gymnastics, academics, extracurriculars, i had discipline. But this weight that burdens me scares me. Because I think it’s hindering me in soo many ways.

It’s time for a change. I just need to be like Nike and Just Do It…

I can do this...

I can do this...

It was all a dream…

Can i just say, this movie was very entertaining. And so real that it was dumb silly and midly hilarioso. I didn’t realize Biggie had ladies all over the damn place. RIP.

So this leads to me thinking that life is much too short. I have so many things to accomplish in this life, so much love to give, and so many people to thank. for now it’s all about making ME happy and doing the things in life that will culminate to my utter happiness. I’m going to be reckless without being wreckless, but use common sense. Everyone makes mistakes in there lives, but God is so forgiving that he is sometimes willing to give a “clean slate.” To him I am forever grateful because when i was going through rough times, I thought it was the end of me. I do feel as though part of me went away, but i know that I’ll get all of me back.

Kind how Biggie finally became a man before death, I am going to prove to myself that I can be the black woman that i’ve always wanted to be. I am the future, I am the dream, I am ME and will strive to be the happiest me I can be.

No dream is too big…

***Obama/Biden***

Hey world, it’s me…Me

So today, January 16th is the start of something new. I am beginning my road to wonderous wonders, and beautiful beauties. i have decided to just write to write. my feelings, my thoughts, my nuances, my incongruencies. I thought I’d do something with myself, start the year off being open-minded and now i’m finally doing something about it. Yay for me…

This should be fun 🙂