Black Men…

Idris, oh Idris. Ok i don’t know the dude personally or anything but doesn’t he seem like the kind of man you wanna, have children with? wake up next to? have him rub your feet? I know. This may sound like crazy fanatic but let me take it to another level

Sometimes I think about how my relationship with men may be too cliche. it’s the usual story: young-impressionable-female-who-never-had-a-relationship-with-her-father-and-now-she-can’t-get-close-to-men. Tragic. I always thought I would be able to rise above but that’s not always the case. I’ve never really had a boyfriend. But i’ve had a few sexual partners. A few of those people I didn’t really care about but the other i did. I thought i could separate my feelings from the actions, but as all females know, that’s not always the case. I don’t really see myself being in a relationship unless i can be assured i wont get hurt. A man i was seeing last year told me he loved me. And I reciprocated the words for the FIRST time in my life. I thought i loved him, but i think it was just a way to assure myself, that he cared about me. However strange it may sound, I knew the last time we saw each other, that I didn’t really love him but to find a man that could say those words to me, was something i had dreamt about forever.

When i was messing around with guys, knowing damn well i wouldn’t be in a relationship, i never wanted to admit to myself that the reason i couldn’t find such closeness to these guys was because because “closeness” didn’t come in male form. I got love from my female friends, from my mom and sisters, and aunts. But now i know that i need to let go of that resentment, and realize that there will be someone who will love me for me, and I can truly lend my love to a man.

Babysteps…

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