I woke up this morning…

Thinking that my life wasn’t what it used to be. I know that i’ve changed alot since going to college. I know that my friends here are incredibly important to me, but our differences become clearer and clearer. I spent that night at one of my best friend’s house and we just relaxed, watched tons of tv, ate pizza, the usual. And i just couldn’t get over how different we’ve become. Don’t get me wrong, i love her to death, and I would do anything for her, but it’s so starkingly clear that we are different. this “different” is good but it just got me thinking. She comes from more money and i can see it in her clothes, her jewelry, her bags, her shoes, her parents, her wine, her tv, her room, everything. I think it makes me feel insdecure in a way because in middle school these differences were visible but i never thought about them. it didn’t matter back then and i dont know why they should matter now.

They shouldn’t…

Me and my best friend are the dream MLK only hoped for, and the dream Langston Hughes had deferred. We are the chocolate and vanilla of this world and frankly we are better together than we are apart. but it dont think it’s about race, i think it’s about knowing this world isnt tolerant of such a dream, and it affects me. i want to go and do “black people” things, i.e. clubs and bars that cater to a black audience, but all my friends here are white and i’m not sure if they would be comfortable with that. But here’s the thing: i dont think it’s fair to me to hide the fact that i want to do these things just because they are white. when i go out with them, the crowd is ALWAYS predominently white but i dont ever say anything about it. What could I say? i’m not the bar type, or the pub type, or the “dive” type and that’s just who i am. And yet i get dragged into these things without and consideration of my interests. Just because you dont like to dance doesn’t mean i should do whatever you want to do. cuz shit, we never do anything i wanna do. ugh

I used to be so happy go lucky, and so vibrant. but people have made me become a bitch, and an angry one at that. I used to be a social butterfly, talk it up like it was my day job. Sometimes i dont even know where that person is. i loved her. that was me. that was the me that i loved. that was the me that would put smiles on peoples faces, and make boys blush. what happened to me. It’s like being here, in space and time, isn’t good enough for me. my social life is stagnant, my search for a male counterpart is on the ritz, and i feel like i haven’t had the motivation, or time, or energy to change back to the person i want to be.

It’s easy to call myself a diva, but to be a diva you have to believe you are…


1 Comment

  1. KgRxrz comment5 ,

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